Life As We Know It

I am determined to post this before my small window of me-time is up for the day. It’s been a minute since I published anything in here. I don’t want you to think it’s because I haven’t had a million things on my mind to share with you. Life as we know it has been officially rocked these past few weeks. I know that I’m not alone in the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been experiencing. Can you relate? One minute my cards are all stacked nicely in my deck. And then the next minute it’s like I’m playing 52-card pick up.

Seriously though, this coronavirus business is no joke. There are so many things I worry about every day. I am told that I come by it honestly. My grandmother Nanny was always quite a worrier. If you aren’t naturally a person who worries about things… rest assured, it’s not a fun trait to have. My worrying doesn’t usually bear down on me from day to day with much notice. But in the midst of this pandemic, it seems to rear it’s ugly head at me by the hour.

I worry about my husband who leaves for work every day in his scrubs (and his invisible super-hero cape) to head into battle in the frontlines of the ER.

He takes every possible precaution to keep himself and our family safe. Yet I still worry about him getting sick, or any of us getting sick for that matter. I worry about the stress of such a huge weight that all of our healthcare providers are carrying through this crisis. Every single day – physically, mentally, and emotionally. And in turn, the weight that these collective daily sacrifices carry over on to their families (ours included).

The ER-nurse in me worries people are not taking the necessary precautions to help flatten the curve of this virus. Many parts of our country have not been hit as hard as they inevitably will be. That the worst is still ahead of us. And I fear that people may begin to feel like the shelter-in-place and social distancing precautions are an over-reaction. Perhaps they will begin to not adhere to them as need be. This fear keeps me awake at night.

The ER-wife in me worries my husband will feel the burden of this battle in a way I can’t relate to any more now that I stay home with our children. All over the U.S., hospitals are running low, or even out, of protective equipment. You may have heard people talking about PPE (personal-protective-equipment) and/or N95 masks. These are essential things our hospital personnel need to keep them safe. Frontline staff are working with limited supplies or sub-par equipment in many places. This is absolutely terrifying to me.

My parents have recently crossed into a new threshold of age. Now considered part of the “vulnerable population” with the highest mortality rate from this virus, it splits me wide open thinking about what could happen if any of them get sick. Especially since we are far apart and I can’t be with them during these despairing times. I really miss them. We usually get to see my mama at least once a month but haven’t seen her since early February. And I had a trip planned to fly and visit the other part of my family in Nashville last week. But obviously that didn’t happen. All visits are cancelled indefinitely. The bottom line is, we all really miss each other.

We are a family familiar with virtual connection. Since we’ve lived far apart for the better half of almost eight years now, that’s nothing new for us. But there is something about not knowing when we will be able to see each other again is terribly disheartening.

Life as we know it has now completely changed.

As someone who typically seeks out the positives, I’ve found myself in more of a funk over the past couple weeks. It has felt harder to embrace the positives than usual. When I get in a funk it usually presents itself as lack of motivation first. This week that has looked like wearing the same clothes for days at a time. Hey, I’m not complaining – I looove sweatpants. I admit that I’m not showering as regularly as I would be with places to go and people to see. Have not been moving my body in any intentionally productive ways. I have been moaning and groaning my way through basic chores. Oh and mega-procrastinating larger tasks that would probably really help clear my mind to just knock out.

I realize that these things all make sense considering the circumstances of our lives these days. I don’t have to leave the house, so why bother showering/getting dressed? Spring seasons of tennis and soccer are cancelled. I can’t go to exercise classes (which I loathe anyway but sound super appealing right now!). I can’t get excited to do a workout from home. Basic chores feel endless. I clean things up and turn around to find them a complete disaster 5 minutes (ha – more like 5 seconds!) later. And the larger tasks? I’m so emotionally and mentally spent by the end of the day to tackle those and it’s insane to try and do them with toddlers underfoot.

So there you have it.

I have really been dragging my feet to connect because I don’t want to admit all of this, or expose my less than positive perspectives. I’m convinced that this is one of the main reasons I have not been blogging. Finding the physical space in my day and preserving the head space I need to be creative has also been a challenge. All of my worrying and this overall funk has left me feeling ashamed and discouraged. Neither of which is very inspiring.

Yet, I KNOW I’m not alone in feeling these ways. So many mamas have been sharing similar sentiments over social media and in their blogs. I’ve had some pretty intimate conversations with close friends of mine this past week. It’s refreshing really, how vulnerable this crisis has allowed us to be. How inadvertently we ARE connected even when we don’t feel it in our day to day experiences.

It’s strange to think of solidarity growing from solitude.

But it’s there. And it’s forcing its way into my life little bit by little bit. THANK GOODNESS it is – because it’s about damn time I snap out if this funk. Control the controllables. Grace, not perfection. We can do hard things. Love wins. I hear these things loud and clear. I am determined to pick myself up and start again. Why not now?

We’ve been singing a lot of ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE by Perry Como around our kitchen lately. My grandparents used to sing this song to my mama when she was a little girl, and in turn, she sang it to me throughout my life. It seems super relevant to our lives these days.

Accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative,
Don’t mess with Mister in-between!

Spread joy up to a maximum,
Bring gloom down to the minimum,
Have faith or pandemonium’s
Liable to walk upon the scene.

Accentuate the Positive lyrics

These lyrics have been breathing positivity back into our lives. We have all needed the reminder. Life as we know it has shifted. It’s finding a new rhythm but it carries the same tune. I’m determined to keep finding the joy and remembering that perspective is everything.

Stay safe my friends.

Yours truly,

Eliza B.