Normally this intro would be a chance for me to welcome you to another goals post for my monthly goal-setting series. A series designed to share my goals with you and to provide me with more monthly accountability. But this month, my goals have shifted more to survival mode – trying to keep showing up and finding a new rhythm to our days. I’ve felt pretty overwhelmed trying to write my goals post for this month. In light of this global pandemic and the impact it has had on all of us, I’ve been carrying around this pressure to be profound in some way. Finally, I decided to let it go, stop stressing out, and simply write you a letter instead.
I’m sitting here at my dining room table as I write to you. Across from me sits an empty bowl of the delicious homemade potato soup I just devoured as an afternoon snack. The last tempting sips of an iced latte (originally a hot latte reheated multiple times and eventually poured over ice) rests to my right. A vase of pink tulips anchors the center of the table. I’ve officially added fresh tulips to my quarantine essentials list. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but in some weird way – I’ve fixated on these flowers as a symbol of spring and hope in these trying times. It hasn’t been easy acquiring them and there are certainly worse things to do without. Yet they sure have brought me a sense of comfort these past several weeks.
I’ve been journaling sporadically throughout the day from this spot whenever I can catch a small margin of time to myself.
At this moment the sounds of my small children mimicking emergency vehicle noises fills my ears. “Weeeeoooooo weeeeeooooo.” The boys have an epic mess covering the expanse of the whole living room floor. They are playing games of imaginary flying cars and wooden block castles with Paul who just got home from work. He’s giving me a little break from my full day with the kiddos and I am grateful for that. We’ve decided to eat leftovers for dinner tonight. A combination of dominoes pizza from Friday night and ham from last Sunday’s Easter dinner. As much as I usually enjoy cooking, I welcome the reprieve offered by a quick reheating of leftovers. Especially since quarantine life feels like never-endless cooking of meals!
Today has been a long day.
Honestly, it’s been a long almost 2 months. Quite an emotional roller coaster. Life as we know it has completely changed. Things are definitely getting easier, which is a relief. I’ve spend the better part of the last several weeks just trying to get my shit together in general, much less trying to publish an April goals post, which seems to have taken on a life of it’s own. I laughed out loud when I saw this meme today (see below) because it is such an accurate depiction of my days lately.
On Friday I had a virtual session with my therapist.
She and I connected back in November of 2019 after I read the book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb and was inspired to find a therapist of my own. We’ve been meeting once a week ever since. She’s great and gosh it’s been such a blessing to have her to talk with through the uncertainty these days.
When I signed in on Friday for our call, I was un-showered, braless, and in my pajama pants. It was definitely the most disheveled she’s ever seen me and I was worried she would find this concerning. Luckily, she didn’t seem to mind. Somewhere early into our session I realized that April is 2/3 of the way over already. I confessed how disappointed I’ve been feeling in myself for not getting all these things done that I have meant to be doing. That I haven’t been more productive lately. I mentioned the April goals post and how I felt compelled to say something profound but it was completely eluding me. Oh how my procrastinating perfectionist tendencies had me on total lockdown.
She reminded me that the challenge of taking care of ourselves and our families these days really should be enough. That it’s ok to just get through each day, to survive from one moment to the next. That maybe that’s just what we need to do. Trust me, I don’t want to be giving off any false illusions over here. Hey look at me – I totally have my shit together – NOT!
She said, “it doesn’t matter that you are in your pjs today for our session, what matters is that you showed up.”
It occurred to me that in order to keep it real and stay vulnerable with you in this space it doesn’t matter that I didn’t actually ever get my goals perfectly curated and laid out for you to read this month. We are in the middle of a global pandemic! And even if we weren’t – this is real life. And it’s ok. There’s always next month.
That’s what I want you to take away from this letter. What we are all doing is already enough. Showing up is enough.