It’s the beginning of a new year and I’ve been thinking about how I want to write about chaos, connection, coffee, and conversations. The problem is that I’m perpetually stuck on that first part – chaos. Our schedules, our household, our routines, my brain, my heart… it all feels chaotic.
I’ve spent so much time in the past months trying to figure out what I want to write about here in this space and how to show up better. Honestly, I’ve felt stuck trying to figure out what I want to write in general and how to hold space for myself to actually sit down and be creative at all! I’ve even tried giving myself permission to NOT write. As though that would be a grace that would give me some peace. Let me tell you, it didn’t. Inevitably, I keep coming back to the page (or in this case, the blinking cursor).
And I crave the connection and conversations so deeply. ✨
I have been trying to figure out the root(s?) of the problem I have in showing up here. So far I’ve considered the following:
- my procrastinating perfectionist tendencies
- a subconscious resistance to hold space for myself and my feelings
- poor time management skills
- a chaotic life that keeps my head spinning at all times
- crippling overwhelm from the immensity of all the things I want to write about
- never knowing where to start
- what is my purpose?
- the total unpredictability of this season I’m in with little kids
- my poor organization skills
- lack of accountability to myself and the things I want to do
- finding it difficult to prioritize writing over other “more important” things
- imposter syndrome
- time blindness
- fear of vulnerability
- struggling with how to share without oversharing
- wondering what stories are “worth” sharing
Do any of those resonate with you? There are so many things I want to share and connect with you about. I wish we could meet at the coffee shop every week and just pour our hearts out to one another. Share our weekly wins and our worries. Talk about books, our dreams, our relationships, our daily struggles, the state of the world these days. Laugh about the things we can only appreciate the humor of in hindsight. Give each other advice and inspiration and accountability and encouragement. Talk about our insecurities, our fears, our inner critics, and the ways we want to grow. Hold space for each other. Empower and celebrate one another. Show up for each other’s stories.
But what about all of those things I listed before that I think are holding me back you ask? What about being stuck in the chaos?
Gosh, I wish I knew a clear way forward. All I know is that I want to have alllll the conversations, big and small and I keep finding myself back here again. I need this creative outlet, the connection AND conversations. But I know we can only have these things I crave if I show up (well, technically I suppose you have to show up too!). Not only show up, but KEEP showing up. And I suppose the meeting in a physical coffee shop part might be a challenge too haha, but perhaps we can just meet here?